


dreams you'll find in the moon's craters

by noriakki



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Dreams, Dreams and Nightmares, Dreams vs. Reality, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, Sad Ending, Unrequited Love, hinata shouyou - Freeform, kageyama tobio - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-26
Updated: 2020-08-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:15:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,154
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26130253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/noriakki/pseuds/noriakki
Summary: The sandman's punishment for the moon's wishful thinkingorFor a week, Tsukishima dreams of a life where Yamaguchi loves him, too.
Relationships: Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi (one-sided), Yachi Hitoka/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 11
Kudos: 36
Collections: TsukkiYama Week 2020





	dreams you'll find in the moon's craters

**Author's Note:**

> _Rated Teen and Up Audiences for language_   
>  _Trigger warning for mention of nausea_
> 
> [Submission for Tsukkiyama Week Day 4  
> Prompt: Unrequited Love]
> 
> Hello! This is the longest fic I've written since I was 12 and passionately made a horribly written Les Mis fic. It's also the first time I'm publishing an attempt at writing angst since my horribly written Les Mis fic... Unfortunately, I deleted my Wattpad account and I no longer have access to the cursed Les Mis fic, so I can't be sure if I've improved or not, but I think it's easier for my fifteen-year-old self to tackle themes of angst from high school heartbreak than for my twelve-year-old self to tackle a whole revolution and the effects of it on the marginalized in 1800s France, so I sure hope that I did, haha!
> 
> A big thank you to Lay, Sunny, and Eliza for reading through this! I'm thankful for your help. Thank you to the mods of Tsukkiyama Week for holding and managing this fan week and giving me an excuse to put out nothing but content for my absolute favorite comfort ship for a whole week straight!
> 
> I hope everyone who stumbles upon this fic enjoys reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it <3

It was 6:30 in the evening when Yamaguchi Tadashi had accepted Tsukishima’s confession. It was the longest few minutes of Tsukishima’s life. The moonlight’s glow looked as if it was meant to shine on Yamaguchi with how perfect he looked basking in it. Tsukishima didn’t intend to tell Yamaguchi about his feelings; ~~after all, Yamaguchi was in a relationship~~ , but Yamaguchi smiled at him gently and told him that he felt the same. His eyes were lit up and wrinkled a little at the corners. His smile was small, but it contained all the love in the world. His long hair which he held back with a ponytail flowed in the wind and Tsukishima tucked the hair that covered his face behind his ear.

Yamaguchi’s “yes” was frozen in time for Tsukishima. A moment for him to lock into his heart and soul, to be engraved in his mind. _Yamaguchi loved him too_. For a split second, he felt his heart sink when he remembered ~~Yach~~ —

* * *

It was six in the morning when Tsukishima was woken up by the obnoxious sound of his blaring phone’s poor imitation of a police siren as his alarm.

Tsukishima woke up and couldn’t move. He wanted to go back to sleep. His body was stiff, his vision was blurry, his bed was disheveled, and the alarm was still repeating itself. While the sun was rising and more light made its way into his bedroom through the window, he stared at the glow-in-the-dark star stickers he and Yamaguchi stuck on his ceiling when they were 10. Without his glasses they just looked like incomprehensible blobs. He was thinking of taking them off.

Five minutes of him not moving from where he’d been had passed until he finally got up and turned that damn alarm off. It does its job, but maybe Tsukishima doesn’t _want_ it to. Maybe he didn’t _want_ to go to morning practice every day. Maybe what he _wanted_ was to keep dreaming. Yamaguchi would probably not let him hear the end of it if he skipped morning practice, but he’d probably drop it if Tsukishima put on his signature expressionless face and didn’t slack off at afternoon practice.

He really didn’t want to attend morning practice. He never does want to attend it these days. Before, it was simply something he was required to do and something he didn’t mind doing. Now, morning practice was lonely walks to school because he can’t walk with Yamaguchi now that he’s captain and (voluntarily) goes to school _extremely_ early to prepare everything. Morning practice was being the first person to the club room because he always woke up early.

He didn’t have to get to school so early. He just got used to doing it because he and Yamaguchi agreed to get up earlier in their second year so that they would have more time to rest in the club room before practice started.

Morning practice was going down the stairs from the club rooms and opening the doors to the gym to walk into Yachi, napping on Yamaguchi’s lap, one of his hands interlocked with hers and the other stroking her hair that was tied in a star hair tie. Morning practice was walking into this and many things like it, then promptly apologizing.

To put it shortly: morning practice made Tsukishima’s heart ache, but all Tsukishima could say was “Ah, sorry for interrupting” as he headed for the volleyball cart, took a volleyball, and practiced serving while waiting for the others to arrive. He knew the volleyball would be loud enough to wake Yachi up, so he watched it land on the other side of the court in anticipation. He hated himself for the little shred of satisfaction he felt knowing he was disturbing her peace, but he emptily watched the ball as it landed and filled the room with its booming landing sound. Yachi bolted awake. “Ah!” she exclaimed, her face flushed with embarrassment. “Sorry, Tsukki!”

Normally, he’d ask someone to refrain from calling him that. It left a sour taste in his mouth when someone other than Yamaguchi called him that. He got used to Kuroo and Bokuto calling him that, but he tried numerous times to get them to stop. He successfully got Koganegawa to stop after a while. The only person he was truly okay with calling him “Tsukki” was Yamaguchi. You know, especially since he had feelings for him.

Then Yachi came into the picture. He used to not be that close to her, but she was close to his best friend. He was close enough to always spend time around the both of them. Tsukishima even considered her as being his own friend after a while. He still does, especially now that Yamaguchi, his longtime best friend, is dating her. So, what was this feeling that twisted his guts when she used this nickname on him? Why did the sound of his nickname in her voice sound like a fork being scraped against a chalkboard?

“No, I’m sorry, Yachi. I didn’t realize you were asleep.” Except, you know, he did.

* * *

Yamaguchi’s “yes” was frozen in time for Tsukishima. A moment for him to lock into his heart and soul, to be engraved in his mind. _Yamaguchi loved him too_. For a split second, he felt his heart sink when he remembered ~~Yachi~~.

“Wait, what about ~~Yachi~~?” Tsukishima asked. He didn’t want to ruin his newly-formed relationship with Yamaguchi mere seconds after it started but he didn’t want Yamaguchi to be cheating on ~~Yachi~~ either; she never did anything wrong.

“I already broke up with her,” Yamaguchi warmly told him while they embraced at the corner where they’d separate on their way home.

“H-Huh? No you didn’t?”

“If I didn’t, then why’d you tell me you liked me?”

“I—” Tsukishima blinked and he was no longer in Yamaguchi’s arms. He stood in front of the door to their club room. He opened the door and saw Tanaka and Kinnoshita, his seniors who graduated the previous year, frozen, fixing their things. He also saw Seiji, his first-year junior, and Hachikawa, their first-year manager, also frozen in a different corner. Kageyama and Hinata were also there, bickering about whatever. And in the corner, ~~Yachi’s~~ head was hitting the ceiling. Her hair was being braided by Shimizu, who graduated two years ago. Around Shimizu’s fingers was a moon hair tie. ~~Yachi~~ rested her elbow on top of the cabinet and her half-rimmed glasses were folded near her elbow. She towered over everyone else in the room as she held her head in her hands and sobbed in despair.

Yamaguchi knocked on the door and peeked in. “ ~~Hitoka, I’m sorry,~~ ” he said blankly, his voice lacking any kind of emotion. “C’mon Tsukki,” he said, the tone of his voice sounding significantly livelier, “let’s head home!”

Yamaguchi entered the club room and locked arms with Tsukishima as they walked out of the room. Yachi was still sobbing and Shimizu was still braiding her hair as if they weren’t in the room in the first place, but Tsukishima didn’t have the time to think about that when his heart was beating out of his chest and his arms were locked with the love of his life’s. Soon, Yamaguchi put his hand down and held Tsukishima’s hand, his fingernails painted black making a stark contrast against Tsukishima’s pale skin. He rested his head on his shoulder, his long hair was soft against the skin on Tsukishima’s neck.

“I’m so glad that you love me, Tsukki!”

“...I’m glad too.”

The school bell rang… it sounded different today, like a police siren. And they weren’t at school.

* * *

He groggily reached for his phone, pulled the plug, and turned the obnoxious alarm off. He laid back down, looked at his ceiling, and remembered when he and Yamaguchi put them up. It was Tsukishima’s eleventh birthday when Yamaguchi came over for the first time. The stars were his birthday gift from Yamaguchi, and of course Tsukishima found them tacky at first. Still, he didn’t want to be rude to someone like Yamaguchi who wasn’t bothersome or annoying.

“Yamaguchi, help me put these up,” the young Tsukishima said. The way Yamaguchi’s eyes lit up extended to Tsukishima’s own mood. Despite his plans to take the stars down sooner or later, the four-eyed kid felt a determination to help his freckled friend spread the tacky stars on his ceiling and make it so that it’s on par with the freckles spread throughout Yamaguchi’s cheeks.

This memory made Tsukishima smile a little, even years later when he was half a foot taller than he was back then. He and Yamaguchi are so tall now, they wouldn’t need a ladder to stick those stars on. God, he grew half a foot tall in the time that’s passed since those stars were placed there and he never put them down like he thought he would.

No, Yamaguchi was just so dear to his heart. The way that Yamaguchi’s smile grows a little wider when he sees that they’re still stuck there. The joy in his voice when he points it out. The slight smile he’d only ever show Tsukishima. That’s why they’ve been stuck there for so long. That’s why he got up now as early as he did when he still went to school with Yamaguchi.

This train of thought led to Tsukishima remembering that Yamaguchi definitely didn’t feel the same. Ah, he was already at the door to the gym. He wondered what sweetheart-esque activities Yamaguchi and Yachi were doing that he’d have to walk into that day. He sighed. Maybe he should just get to school on time, then he wouldn’t have to see that. Hachikawa came in pretty early too, usually ten to fifteen minutes after Tsukishima did. Surely, Hachikawa wouldn’t mind having to see that as much as Tsukishima did. As far as he knew, Hachikawa wasn’t pining for either of them (though he would understand if they were). Yamaguchi and Yachi would have more time to themselves. It would be beneficial for everyone involved, except maybe their first year manager, but they weren’t gonna lose anything from seeing their seniors be cute together.

...What was he thinking? This was his best friend and the first person he really considered a friend in a while, and they were happy in love with each other. Where was that cool indifference that everybody knew him for? If not that, then he should be happy. Whatever feelings he had for Yamaguchi were irrelevant. He tightly held the door’s handle in silent resolve, determined to see the couple and not feel anything other than indifference or happiness.

Yamaguchi and Yachi were locking arms and she rested her head on his shoulder as they leaned against the wall. He watched as Yamaguchi’s hand guided Yachi’s down so they could hold hands and have their fingers interlock. Her sky-blue nails on the knuckles of his fingers, contrasting the plain, unpainted fingernails of her boyfriend.

He wasn’t slow to realize that his determination was for naught when he felt his heart sink to the pit of his stomach seeing the couple doing the exact thing that they did in his dream, just sitting down. They were saying some things to each other. Not that Tsukishima would, but he averted his eyes from their lips to avoid reading them. What if the sweet nothings they said to each other happened to be the same that he and Yamaguchi said in his dream, too? Tsukishima knew that the likelihood of this actually being the case was low and that his fear was irrational, but with the feelings he’s failed to keep in check, rational thinking wasn’t exactly the first thing on his mind.

With the face he made, you’d never guess that all these thoughts were running through his head. He hid these emotions absurdly well.

“Yamaguchi.”

“Ah, Tsukki! You’re here,” he said. “Do you have to keep going here so damn early? I’d appreciate a little more alone time with the prettiest girl in the world, you know!” Yamaguchi said jokingly, snickering at his own quip. If Tsukishima thought earlier that his heart sank as deep as it could, Yamaguchi made it sink six feet deeper, and Tsukishima hated that he allowed him to do that. No, he should be laughing, it’s supposed to be funny. it’s been so fucking long since he should’ve stopped feeling like this already. Why couldn’t he genuinely laugh at it?

“Tadashi, you’re so mean to him!”

Tsukishima dryly laughed. _What the fuck was that?_ Was that his poor attempt at making it seem like his heart wasn’t shoved six feet underground? “You really are.” Tsukki said, finally mustering a slight smile. What for? Yamaguchi, of all people, would be the one to recognize its lack of authenticity, and Tsukishima knew that. Perhaps Yamaguchi’s abilities to read Tsukishima have dwindled as he fell in love. Tsukishima, still smiling his empty, go-to, plastic smile, held onto the hope that Yamaguchi couldn’t tell that Tsukishima still had feelings for him despite the dead giveaway Tsukishima was just dangling right in front of him at that moment.

At afternoon practice, Tsukishima performed like he usually does, exerting just a little more effort than what was required. Their training that day was two-on-two; him and Hinata versus Kageyama and Yamaguchi. It was a close match, but the sun and moon pairing won two of three sets. Hinata held his hand up for a high five, and honestly, despite how Tsukishima’s day started, he felt pretty good. Fine, he accepted. Of course, Hinata was ecstatic. He yelled and his eyes were wide. “ _The_ Tsukishima returned my high five!!!” Kageyama’s eyebrows were raised in disbelief. For a moment, Tsukishima regretted returning Hinata’s high five because of the chaos he’s caused and how Hinata or Kageyama would find some way to hang it over his head from now on. That moment was short-lived because as soon as Tsukishima saw the way Yamaguchi’s face lit up at Tsukishima’s action, any ounce of regret left in him disintegrated into nothingness.

After they cleaned the gym up and packed their things, Tsukishima waited for Yamaguchi so they could head home together. When he heard steps going down the stairs, he looked back and saw Yamaguchi and Yachi, locking arms. Ah. Well, seeing this didn’t make Tsukishima feel as bad as he did in morning practice. Perhaps the only reason he was so affected during morning practice was because he was tired. Of course, this was untrue, because for the past year, Tsukishima felt waves of immense dejection crash right on him full-force from time to time when seeing them together with no regard for whatever time of day it might have been. What made today different, Tsukishima wasn’t sure, but in the end, Tsukishima’s unexpected indifference seeing them together was only fleeting. When Yamaguchi told him that he was walking home with Yachi, Tsukishima’s stomach twisted. So, what, both his morning and afternoon was just not going to be with Yamaguchi? How often was this going to keep happening?

“Sorry, Tsukki! Yachi’s mom invited me over for dinner today.”

“It’s no problem,” Tsukishima said. He took his phone out and began to walk away. While waving goodbye to the couple and not facing them, he told them that he hoped they enjoyed it and to stay safe on their way.

So much for his better mood at afternoon practice.

* * *

But it was okay, because as soon as he opened the door to his home, he was greeted by Yamaguchi. He noticed that the black nail polish on his fingers was chipping. Yamaguchi tied his long hair back with a ~~star hair tie~~ — plain black hair tie as he closed the door behind him and walked out with Tsukishima. Kei’s mother was heard from the window asking where they were heading. “I’ll just take him out to dinner!” Yamaguchi said.

Yamaguchi held Tsukishima’s hand and pulled him, running towards the park where they were yesterday. Apparently, he was holding a picnic blanket that had a picnic basket in it the whole time. How did Tsukishima not notice?

“Say, Tsukki, what’s it like being a regular on the team?” Yamaguchi asked.

Yamaguchi’s musing was met with nothing but confusion from the taller boy. “Aren’t you a regular, too?”

“Right... But I’m asking you.” Yamaguchi said, taking his eyes off the sandwich he was apparently holding and putting them on his boyfriend.

“I don’t know. I like being in games and it’s satisfying to win matches.” Tsukishima said plainly. Yamaguchi beamed. “You would’ve never said something like that last year!”

“I really wouldn’t have, huh?”

“Come on!” Yamaguchi stood from the grass. Where did the blanket—?

Before he knew it, Tsukishima was at the front door to Yamaguchi’s home. Tadashi’s sister welcomed them. “Kei!” she cheerily greeted as she gave him a bear hug. She was massive, towering over the two boys at 197 cm, being taller than even Tsukishima himself. Her fingernails weren’t painted and her hair was cut short, ~~just like the real Tadashi~~. She welcomed them in and they sat at their dining table.

“I knew you were coming home today, Tsukki, so I bought some strawberry shortcake at the store! Make yourself at home, love.” She said, beaming at the blond holding her brother’s hand. They ate a fulfilling dinner and thanked her for the dinner. Yamaguchi pulled Tsukishima to his room where his phone was connected to a speaker. He began to play an english song that Tsukishima had never heard of before.

“What’s this song called? I should add it to my playlist.”

“You don’t need to know.”

_Your face lights up the sky on the highway_ , the speakers played. Yamaguchi, for what could be the millionth time that night, took Tsukishima’s hands. He guided one of Tsukishima’s big hands to hold his waist and kept holding the other hand as he put his free hand on Tsukishima’s shoulder. They danced to the slow, sweet music. They were perfectly in sync, even if as far as Tsukishima knew, neither of them had danced like this before in their lives.

> _To speak or not to, where to begin_
> 
> _A great dilemmas I'm finding myself in_
> 
> _For all I know_ ~~_you only see me as a friend_~~
> 
> ~~_I try to tell myself, "_ _Wake up, fool_~~
> 
> ~~_This fairytale has got to end_ _"_~~

The music was brought to an abrupt stop. Tsukishima's heard this song before, he just wasn’t sure where. He was sure that there was more to that song, but whatever he was thinking was interrupted by the feeling of Yamaguchi’s lips pecking his cheek. Tsukishima felt his face get a little warm. Jesus, how many times was that going to happen?

Yamaguchi took his hand and they went out, saying goodbye to his sister as she told them to stay safe. They walked hand-in-hand up to the front of the gym where they held practice. A volleyball was in his hand. “Hey, Tsukki! Let’s play, one-on-one,” and they played one set. Tsukishima won and high-fived his boyfriend. “Nice game.”

Tsukishima was smiling. It took him a while to notice himself, but he never really smiled like this unless he was around Yamaguchi. Even before he fell in love with him, he remembered smiling like that around Yamaguchi and nobody else. The time they stuck those stars on his ceiling was his first memory of him smiling— _genuinely_ smiling around Yamaguchi, and he was pretty sure that he didn’t like him in that way back then. He locked eyes with Yamaguchi for a few seconds and leaned in for a kiss.

Yamaguchi’s lips were soft. Tsukishima had never kissed anyone before, so he didn’t really have any point of reference, but he felt as if Yamaguchi’s lips were a perfect fit on his and that nobody would ever be able to compare. If this wasn’t enough, Yamaguchi held Tsukishima’s cheek. His hands were rough, but Tsukishima knew that nothing is comparable to the feeling of Yamaguchi’s hand on his cheeks. Tsukishima combed his hands through Yamaguchi’s long hair. He couldn’t hold his smile back and got embarrassed because Yamaguchi could probably feel the smile in his kiss. This feeling washed away soon, though, since Yamaguchi, face flushed and so red you’d confuse him for a strawberry on Tsukishima’s favorite shortcake, quickly pulled away to tell Tsukishima “I love you so much,” and kiss him again, even deeper this time.

* * *

The school bell rang despite it being evening and Tsukishima felt his heavy eyelids blinking open to the blurry sight of the faded green stars stuck to his ceiling. It only took him a second to comprehend what had just happened and for what seemed like the millionth time that week, he felt his heart drop to the pit of his stomach. Once again, he’d woken up from a dream that he would much rather not have had but still didn’t want to wake up from. How long was this going to keep happening? The ghost of Yamaguchi’s lips on his wouldn’t escape him. He wanted to forget it so _badly,_ but he knew that it was impossible to. His head was hurting. Dazed, he took his phone from his nightstand and turned his blaring police siren alarm off. He couldn’t afford to go to morning practice, not in the state he was in. He couldn’t imagine seeing Yamaguchi.

No, he had to go back to sleep. 

* * *

It was pitch black and the sight of his pale hands against the darkness provided a stark contrast.

“Tsukki,” a small voice called from behind him.

“ ~~Yachi?~~ ”

“Tsukki, look at me.”

He turned around to look at her. He definitely recognized her towering build and bad posture. Her half-rimmed glasses that looked identical to his own. The braided blonde locks that reached her lower back, tied by a hair tie that had a crescent moon on it. She looked like some distortion of the real version of herself, but it was undoubtedly her: ~~Yachi Hitoka, ex-girlfriend of Yamaguchi Tadashi.~~

“Tsukki,” she said, the tone of her voice difficult to read. It trembled, but it seemed like there wasn’t a trace of cowardice in it. It was soft, but it commanded the whole room (or, rather, void). It was demanding, but he didn’t feel pressured. 

“He doesn’t love you.”

And what she said was true, to some extent. ~~The real Yamaguchi Tadashi didn’t love him. Right about now, he was probably giving her quick, short kisses on her forehead because he was affectionate like that. He was probably avoiding hugging her because of sweat he might have accumulated from his exertion during morning practice, but he was making sure to hug her as soon as they headed to their classrooms~~. But these words were coming from the mouth of the Yachi that Yamaguchi did break up with. Tall Yachi, Yachi who wore glasses, Yachi who could reach the top of the cabinet. And here, with his fingernails that had black nail polish chipping off of them and the hair he grew out so long that he could hold it back in a ponytail, he did, in fact, love Tsukishima Kei.

Here, in his dreams.

So, Tsukishima gave her the response that he felt was the most appropriate: “Can’t you let a guy dream?”

All she did was frown and sigh while she pushed her glasses up the bridge of her nose. “Whatever you say, Tsukki.”

He blinked and she waved him goodbye. Suddenly, she wasn’t towering over him anymore nor could you see the spectacles on her face. Her hair wasn’t braided, much less didn’t reach her lower back. She had a striking resemblance to her real self. She stood up straight as she turned around and waved him goodbye.

* * *

He blinked again and there they were: those ever-familiar green blobs stuck to his ceiling. He rubbed his eyes and got his phone to check the time… it was… 7:35…? Around that time, probably. He couldn’t be assed to wear his glasses right after getting up. He got up, washed his face and ate breakfast, navigating his house practically blind. It wasn’t too much trouble for him; he was used to the place. He got back to his room to wear his glasses and go on his way to school.

He sighed, readying himself for the earful he’s going to receive from Yamaguchi when he arrives.

It was brighter during this time of day. It wasn’t a drastic change but he could see it and he couldn’t help but notice it. He also noticed that more kids were around, also on their way to school. He wasn’t used to seeing so many people around. Tsukishima gave thought to how much weirder it’d feel if he was walking with Yamaguchi right now; the way to the school wasn’t ever filled with this many people whenever they’d walked together. What would he think of it? What would he say about it? Maybe he’d say nothing. Maybe he’d have something to say about it. What it was, Tsukishima couldn’t imagine. Tsukishima didn’t think he could replicate the thoughts Yamaguchi thinks out loud. He pushed these thoughts to the back of his mind. He didn’t want to just be instinctively thinking about him in everything he does.

As soon as he entered the classroom, without even looking his way, Tsukishima felt the intensity of Yamaguchi’s gaze glued onto him. When he looked up, it only got worse. It was one thing to be in perpetual pain because Yamaguchi was happy with somebody else, it was a whole other thing when he was angry with Tsukishima and staring daggers at him. Whether Tsukishima regretted skipping morning practice or not, he wasn’t sure, but what he was sure of was that he genuinely felt terrible seeing Yamaguchi pissed at him like that.

Not any worse than what he felt about his dreams. On one hand he feels elated at the thought of them. On the other, they weren’t real and they didn’t help his feelings in the slightest. If anything, they made them _worse_ . Why was he even having these? Why were there fucking _sequels_? Tsukishima desperately wanted these dreams to be the kind that he’d instantly forget as soon as he woke up, but unfortunately every single detail was burnt into every square inch of his mind.

In between periods later that day, Yamaguchi confronted Tsukishima. “Tsukki, you skipped morning practice. Why?”

“Sorry. Won’t do it again.” He murmured, not sure what else to say. He couldn’t answer his question, but he thought that Yamaguchi wouldn’t be too persistent about knowing why he skipped. He meant it when he said that he wouldn’t do it again, even if he kind of, sort of, hated it.

“You better not! ” Yamaguchi said, the tone of his voice softening and becoming noticeably more lighthearted as he gave Tsukishima a strong pat on the back like a captain would.

Tsukishima let out a dry chuckle at this. What else could he do?

Later, at afternoon practice, they had another two-on-two at Hinata’s request. This time it was the freak combo against the shield and spear; Kageyama and Hinata against Tsukishima and Yamaguchi. Yamaguchi looked forward to this match, energized at the prospect of testing how much he’s polished his abilities by pitting them against two monsters. Unfortunately, Tsukishima did not share this sentiment. Tsukishima’s eyes were empty and his movements were careless and lackluster.

A spectacularly mediocre spike from Hinata still somehow made it in, and both Tsukishima and Yamaguchi could see that he could’ve easily blocked that. But it was okay, it was just a small lapse of judgement on Tsukishima’s part, nothing too out-of-the-ordinary. He didn’t attend morning practice, so maybe he just wasn’t warmed up. It’s fine, they’d take the game back. But one missed block after the other, Yamaguchi grew increasingly frustrated. Yamaguchi wasn’t one to pin the blame on a teammate when he knew that they were putting in their all, but Tsukishima _wasn’t_. Even Hinata and Kageyama felt unsatisfied with their win.

A small part of Tsukishima hoped that Yamaguchi would let his behavior slide, hoped that Yamaguchi just thought that it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary for them to lose so badly. But he knew better than that, and he knew that Yamaguchi knew better than that, too. Yamaguchi would know better than anybody else, sometimes even better than Tsukishima himself, when Tsukishima is bullshiting volleyball. Still, Tsukishima couldn’t put much into what he was doing. He didn’t have the energy to and he couldn’t be bothered to find it. If Yamaguchi understood why Tsukishima was becoming like this, he wouldn’t be so bothered by it, but he doesn’t understand it and he never will. All Yamaguchi saw was Tsukishima reverting into his older self— no, a worse version of his older self who didn’t exist prior to now. Yamaguchi had to know whatever prompted this, because this was the last straw.

“Tsukki, a word.”

The two stepped outside.

“What’s wrong with you lately?” Yamaguchi demanded, brows furrowed.

Tsukishima couldn’t find it in himself to look him in the eyes. No, he was afraid that when he looked at him, all he’d see is chipped black nails and long hair, that all he’d think of was the sensation of his rough hands cupping his cheeks, the feeling of his lips deeply kissing his own. The way their hearts beat in sync when they danced together, the way the moon shone on his freckled face when he told Tsukishima that he loved him too. Tsukishima couldn’t dare look him in the eye because he was so, so afraid.

Tsukishima sighed. “Nothing’s wrong. Maybe I’m just having an off day.”

Yamaguchi snapped, “No, Tsukki, it’s not just today! You’ve been doing bad during morning practice too, and you even fucking skipped today! I don’t understand or know what’s prompting this, but I can’t just let this slide, Tsukki, as your captain and your best friend. Tell me what’s going on, _please_.”

What was he supposed to say? _Ah, well, I’m still deep shit in love with you and I’ve been dreaming of you, actually. And whenever I see you with Yachi I feel like dogshit. I want these dreams to stop but until then I’m gonna be shit at volleyball. Sorry, I guess._

“ _Tsukki!_ ”

Tsukishima didn’t mean to, but he blinked, then looked at him. There he was, unpainted nails, and short hair that was cleanly cut. Shorter than him by about ten inches, but still genuinely intimidating to him and still filled with anger. A combination of a disappointed frown and crossed arms that radiated authority, reminiscent of Daichi’s or Ennoshita’s. Tsukishima couldn’t help but think about the fact that Yamaguchi’s changed so much since their first year and how he was so in love with him and his growth.

“I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.”

Right on cue, Yachi opened the gym’s entrance.

“Tadashi, Mitsumi’s asking about the club funds. If it isn’t a bad time…”

“Be right there, Hitoka!”

Yamaguchi sighed. “Tsukki,” He looked down, then looked up again, his hazel eyes meeting gold. “Promise me that this won’t happen again. Or that, if it will, you’ll let me know why.” 

Tsukishima nodded hesitantly and Yamaguchi sighed before they awkwardly headed back to the gym. They were having a water break. He was watching Yamaguchi, Yachi, and their first-year manager, Hachikawa discussing whatever it is they were discussing. Yachi and Hachikawa sat on plastic chairs while Yamaguchi sat on the floor, head and arm resting on Yachi’s thigh. He lazily pointed at the notebook while explaining to Hachikawa whatever the contents were.

Tsukishima looked away. When the water break was over, they continued with practice as usual. Tsukishima did an average job, one could even call it mediocre, and he was far from being his “usual self,” whatever it was. Still, he exerted all the effort that he was capable of all the way until practice ended and the gym was being cleaned. The second-years were the ones assigned to clean the gym so he went on ahead to the club room to change and fix his things.

Yamaguchi and Yachi stayed behind to see if the second-years were cleaning properly, so Tsukishima peeked through the window to see if they were done. He instantly regretted it when he saw them hugging each other, so he quickly went on his way out.

On his way home, he opened his phone and got a text from Yamaguchi.

> Yamaguchi: Tsukki!!!
> 
> Yamaguchi: You didn’t wait for me ┗( T﹏T )┛

Should he have? They didn’t really end the day on the best terms and the walk home would’ve been awkward. Still, the first and only time (besides today) that Tsukishima didn’t head home with Yamaguchi was yesterday. It was probably weird to assume that Yamaguchi wouldn’t want to walk home together. He decided not to spend so much time thinking of it, so he shut his phone off and ignored the text.

He sat on his bed and looked up at the ceiling. The stars were still there… maybe he should take them down tomorrow. He was exhausted. He took his glasses off and went to sleep without changing out of his school uniform or eating dinner, one part of him hoping he’d never wake up from whatever dream he’d have next where Yamaguchi loves him, too, another hoping he’d never dream of that ever again.

* * *

Tsukishima was seated in the middle of their classroom and it was break in-between periods. His elbow was on his desk and his face rested on his hand as he doodled a whole lot of nonsense in his notebook. His classmates were doing their own thing in their own respective spots in the classroom, minding their own business. His mind was wandering, floating in the clouds until Yamaguchi swung the door in a very theatrical manner, calling “Tsukki!” lovingly.

Had it been anybody else, he would’ve had to hold back the desire to stand up and punch their face in, but it was Yamaguchi and the way he enunciated the syllables of his nickname as they escaped his mouth in his lovely voice made Tsukishima’s heart flutter. He noticed that all of his classmates’ attention was taken off whatever they’d been doing and put on Yamaguchi’s lively entrance.

_Why are all of you looking? You aren’t Tsukki. I am._

Yamaguchi cheerily skipped over to where he was and gave him an extravagant kiss that felt like it was straight out of a romance movie that all of their classmates saw. Some cheered for them, some squealed in excitement. Some boys came up to Tsukishima’s seat and very aggressively slapped his back in congratulations, which Tsukishima hated but couldn’t say anything about because it was done with good intention. Well, if they lose finals again, he knows who to blame.

Tsukishima wasn’t very sure how to feel about all this. He didn’t particularly like being the center of attention and was under the impression that Yamaguchi was the same. He couldn’t speak for Yamaguchi, but he was bothered because too many people would come up to him and ask him questions or talk to him as if they’ve known each other for years and that was too tiring for Tsukishima to deal with a lot of the time. All that was exactly what was happening right now, but he didn’t really mind it; he was too focused on the warmth in his heart that Yamaguchi’s kiss never failed to give him. 

Some girls came up to him saying things along the lines of, “wow, Tsukishima, I didn’t know you were so romantic!” or “you two are so adorable together!” Tsukishima would usually abhor all this attention being placed on him, but all he could think of in response to their reaction was agreement. Yes, Tsukishima had some romantic side to him that only Yamaguchi would be able to bring out. Yes, he and Yamaguchi were so adorable together. It was true in every way, shape, and form.

Kageyama and Hinata entered their classroom to eat lunch with them.

“Yamaguchi, are you sure you want to be dating this asshole…?” Kageyama half-jokingly asked his team captain while sipping on his milk from the vending machine.

“Why, King? You wanna date me instead?” Tsukishima said, provoking him.

“If I had to pick between you two, I’d pick Yamaguchi, thank you very much.”

“Good call,” Tsukishima agreed. “I would too.”

Hinata made a fake gagging noise. “Barf, go get a room,” he said, and Yamaguchi stuck his tongue out at him in response. “You’re just jealous that I’m dating the prettiest boy in the world,” he bragged with a peck on Tsukishima’s cheek.

“Eugh,” Kageyama rolled his eyes. “Anyway, we came here for help with English, like we agreed.”

“Oh, yeah, right!” Hinata said, stuffing his face with onigiri.

Tsukishima was confused. The last time they had the balls to ask him for help was in their first year, and this whole ordeal ended when Yamaguchi, god bless him, redirected them to ~~Yachi~~ , who was a much bigger help to them than Tsukishima would ever be in a billion years. Why now, two years later, would they ask Tsukishima for help again?

“Hah? Why don’t you ask ~~Yachi~~ like you usually do?”

“Who?” The two idiots asked, Hinata tilting his head a little. They were dumb, but Tsukishima knew that they weren’t _this_ dumb. What did they mean, “who?”

“What do you mean, who? You stopped asking me for help when Yamaguchi referred you to ~~Yachi~~.”

“I did what?” Yamaguchi asked, turning to him, genuine confusion written all over his face.

“Tsukishima… you’re the one who’s been helping us with English since first year. What are you talking about?”

“I would never go that long willingly teaching you idiots.”

“Believe me, Tsukishima, I’d share the thought if you haven’t already done it.”

Tsukishima rubbed his temple. Not only were they playing a dumb joke on him, but they got Yamaguchi in on it too.

“Yamaguchi, ~~she’s your ex~~. Hello?”

“Pfft— ex? Tsukki, you’re my first boyfriend.”

Tsukishima felt warmth rushing to his cheeks when Yamaguchi said that. Being explicitly called his boyfriend felt so surreal to him. Yes, he was Yamaguchi Tadashi’s boyfriend, and that much was true.

“You’re really blushing ‘cause Yamaguchi called you his boyfriend?” Kageyama plainly pointed out, making fun of Tsukishima similarly to how Tsukishima’s made fun of them for their entire high school lives.

After Tsukishima got off the high of Yamaguchi calling him his boyfriend thanks to Kageyama and his dumb idiot remarks, what Yamaguchi told him sank in. First boyfriend? Well, that was true, but the way he said it implied that he’d never been in a relationship before Tsukishima, which just wasn’t true. 

“Well, yeah, Yamaguchi, I _am_ your first boyfriend. ~~And you had a girlfriend before me~~.”

Yamaguchi spat his drink out. “What? What are you talking about?”

Tsukishima rolled his eyes. The joke was getting old. “Please. ~~Yachi Hitoka. About 151 centimeters tall, give or take. Blonde hair, usually in a ponytail with a star hair tie. Brown eyes. You were in a relationship with her for a whole year? She has been our manager since we were first-years? Shimizu-senpai recruited her?~~ ”

“Tsukishima, if we had two managers when we were first years, I’m sure I’d remember. I would’ve killed to have two managers back then, we’d be like a powerhouse school!” Hinata exclaimed.

Yamaguchi glared at the tangerine-haired boy. “We _are_ a powerhouse school, what are you talking about?”

“Yikes! B-but, anyway, about this ~~Yachi~~ girl!” Hinata said in an attempt to shift the focus back to Tsukishima’s imaginary girl.

“Right. What’s with you, Tsukki?” Yamaguchi quipped, wrapping his arm around Tsukishima’s shoulder. “Why are you making up an imaginary ex for me, huh? Are you doubting my love for you?” Yamaguchi said, pouting as he buried his head in Tsukishima’s neck.

“No, not at all— I…”

Tsukishima had to choose between staying in the comfort of Yamaguchi’s arms and rushing to Class 5 to check their attendance list. It was beginning to be _disturbing_ that they all sounded like Yachi never existed. There was this slight dread that he couldn’t just ignore, and while nothing could compare to Yamaguchi being all clingy with him, he couldn’t just shake the doubts that filled his mind.

“Yamaguchi, I’m gonna go to class 5 for a bit.”

“Aww…”

“Hey, what about our English review?!”

“I’ll review you tomorrow, King,” he hurriedly said, slamming the door to his classroom behind him.

Tsukishima barged into Class 5’s classroom and ignored the greeting of their cheery class representative, heading to the teacher’s desk at the front of the classroom. Quickly and anxiously scanning the paper over and over, he couldn’t find ~~Yachi’s~~ name.

The strange-sounding school bell rang again.

* * *

Tsukishima woke up frowning and rubbing his eyes. That wasn’t _awful_ , but it was definitely uncomfortable. He shut his alarm and got up right after waking up for the first time in a while. After he brushed his teeth and took a bath, he prepared scrambled eggs for himself and decided to take some time for himself instead of heading straight to school like always. He didn’t have to, anyway. Yamaguchi wouldn’t be waiting for him at the corner on their way to school and he knew that.

Tsukishima regretted not charging his phone last night, but luckily, his power bank was at full battery. He opened the door to the gym, and for the first time in a while, he didn’t walk into Yamaguchi and Yachi being a couple doing couple things. He walked into Hachikawa and Seiji arguing about whatever the hell first-years argue about and his eager second-year junior MB Araki running up to him and asking him for advice. Tsukishima had trouble figuring out whether this was preferable to walking into hugs and kisses, but he had better things to spend his time thinking about.

Yamaguchi and Tsukishima made eye contact. In this short moment, Tsukishima couldn’t read Yamaguchi’s expression. He wasn’t sure what it was like on the other boy’s end, but for him, it was definitely awkward. He could already tell that the first half of his day would consist of an awkward silence between him and Yamaguchi that would inevitably be broken when Yamaguchi finds a funky-looking doodle of a frog or dinosaur on his Twitter timeline. Until then, all Tsukishima could do was spend time alone with his thoughts as he tried to figure out what caused the rails that his train of thought choo-choo’d through to malfunction so badly that he decided that ignoring Yamaguchi’s harmless text and deliberately walking home without him was a decision made from sound thinking. 

While Tsukishima slams the volleyball down to Araki’s side of the court, this was all he was thinking of, trying to connect the puzzle pieces to understand what exactly his crooked thought process last night even was, but it was all for naught. Tsukishima just felt ashamed of himself as he continued on with morning practice like nothing.

“Hey, Tsukki?”

Now, this wasn’t what Tsukishima was expecting. Abruptly being pulled out of the spiral of thoughts that he went down in his mind, he straightened up and turned back to see Yamaguchi with an apologetic look on his face.

“Sorry for going off on you yesterday.”

Tsukishima stared at him in silence for a few seconds. What should he say?

“Tsukki…? Hello?” Yamaguchi waved in front of his face. Tsukishima blinked back into focus, realizing that he probably spent too much time thinking of that.

“Ah, yeah… It’s okay.” Tsukishima struggled to find the words to say. Apologies weren’t very common in their friendship, other than Yamaguchi’s “sorry, Tsukki!” whenever he told him to shut up for saying something corny. He locked eyes with Yamaguchi in awkward silence for a few seconds, and right before Yamaguchi decided to break this and walk away, he found the words to say.

“I should be the one saying sorry. I’m the one doing a shit job at morning practice.”

“No, Tsukki, it’s okay. You always get here so early, I shouldn’t have been so mad.”

“It’s whatever. The stress of captainly duties probably got to you, I understand.”

“We’re cool?” Yamaguchi asked for reassurance, holding his hand out in a fist bump.

“We are,” Tsukki said, returning it.

Feelings aside, he was thankful for Yamaguchi’s friendship.

Yamaguchi and Tsukishima usually ate lunch with the other three third years in the volleyball club. It began when Yachi spent lunch with Kageyama and Hinata, helping them out by studying for English together with them. Yachi then decided to eat with them all the time even if they weren’t studying because she got used to having them to keep her company when she ate. Then, when Yachi and Yamaguchi got together, he began to eat with her because, his words, “isn’t it weird if a couple doesn’t eat lunch together?” For a while, Tsukishima refused to join them. He thought that he’d rather eat alone than be a third wheel to not only the captain-manager sweetheart couple but also to the volleyball-headed dumbasses. Keyword: thought. He eventually swallowed his pride and ate with the rest of them, and it became custom. Even if Tsukishima, Kageyama, and Hinata were always pissing each other off, they just always ate lunch together. Tsukishima couldn’t say that he was the biggest fan of it.

So, when Yamaguchi pulled Tsukishima aside to eat alone with him, Tsukishima was happy. He missed eating alone with Yamaguchi. He wondered what prompted this, though. 

“Hey, Tsukki, it’s mine and Yachi’s anniversary in two days!”

Oh.

“Can you help me with her gift? I’ve already asked Hinata and Kageyama with help on their part. I just hope they don’t accidentally spoil anything while they’re alone with her!” He said, laughing. Tsukishima laughed along with him. The line between his genuine and fake laughter was progressively getting blurrier, since not even he could tell the difference anymore. Yamaguchi went into detail about what Tsukishima’s role was, and Tsukishima listened intently and nodded along to his explanation. They were gonna spend time alone with her again while Tsukishima and Yamaguchi prepared the gym (don’t worry, Yamaguchi had permission from Takeda-sensei). Then, after the gym was done, Tsukishima would be the one to set up the love notes from the gym,on the way to the club room, his meeting place with the two idiots and Yachi.

“The decorations will be minimal, of course! We’re still gonna have to practice. After club today, can you come with me to the stationery store to buy the things?”

Tsukishima forced a smile. Anything to help his friend. “Of course.”

The rest of Tsukishima’s day went by as it usually did; uneventful with a subtle hint of unending misery in every second. It wasn’t any different from every day since Yamaguchi and Yachi got together, except that the subtlety of the unending misery got less subtle every day. One would think that, after a year, it wouldn’t be so subtle anymore. Tsukishima took some time to think to himself, what even defines subtlety?

Surprisingly enough, while the thought of Yamaguchi giving Yachi a big anniversary surprise made him feel nothing but miserable, It didn’t affect his performance like it usually would. He actually listened in class that day and his performance at afternoon practice was much better than it had been for the past week. Tsukishima was still heartbroken, that much hasn’t changed, but at least he was _productively_ heartbroken. That makes it better, right?

He laid in his bed, ready for whatever dream the sandman would have the pleasure of poisoning his mind with that night only for him to wake up and have reality flow and hit him like all at once in a minute. He shut his eyes, and after what felt like a couple of minutes, his police siren alarm sounded.

He blinked. He rubbed his eyes. He checked the time on his phone: it was, indeed, 6 in the morning. The stars on his ceiling looked the same as ever. Tsukishima didn’t have a dream for the first time that week. He got up from his bed, a little skeptical of whether or not his mind was tricking him into thinking he wasn’t dreaming. Then he mentally slapped himself for even considering something that stupid. He walked to his bathroom and brushed his teeth. He took a good look at himself in the mirror while doing so.

He didn’t really look very closely in the mirror for the past week, but he could tell while looking at his reflection that he looked a lot more well-rested that moment than he did since the week began. He gargled and spat the toothpaste out, proceeding to shower.

Morning practice on that day was better than usual. He was a little ashamed of himself for taking this long to finally suck it up and not always go so early. He didn’t walk to school with Yamaguchi anymore, so he was under no obligation to always get there so early.

“Tsukki, nice!” Yamaguchi cheered when Tsukishima hit a notably good spike, and during _morning practice_ of all times.

“Thank you.”

For the first time in a while, his heart wasn’t at the pit of his stomach for a whole hour in the morning. He felt like smiling, but he pushed that back.

Later that day, Tsukishima, Yamaguchi, and Yachi went on their way to eat with Kageyama and Hinata. Yamaguchi went to the bathroom, suggesting that they go ahead, but Tsukishima and Yachi decided to wait. As if on cue, a visibly exhausted Takeda-sensei saw them in the hallway and approached them.

“Ah, good! Tsukishima, can you do me a favor?”

Tsukishima nodded in response.

“Can you run to the gym and get the files of data on the other teams that Yachi and Hachikawa put together? I left them there because they were too heavy for me to carry, and I forgot to bring them out again. I’m so sorry,” he said, struggling to catch his breath.

“It’s fine. Where in the gym are they?”

“In the storage cabinet. Thank you so much, Tsukishima!”

He passed by them and headed into the faculty office.

“I’ll come with you!” Yachi offered.

Tsukishima was hesitant. He found it sweet that Yachi wanted to help him, but Yamaguchi’s expecting them to be there when he comes out of the bathroom and Takeda-sensei said that the files were heavy. He brought these concerns up to her.

“It’s fine! I’m the one who gathered all that data, it can’t be all that heavy for me! And I’ll just text Yamaguchi, he’ll understand.”

She had a point. Still, he was hesitant. He didn’t exactly want to be left alone with the girlfriend of the guy he’s been pining after for god knows how long, but it wasn’t like he could tell her that. She seemed determined to lend him a hand, too, so what was the harm? 

They ran to the gym and Yachi did a good job catching up to Tsukishima. When he found the files, he was taken aback by how ridiculously heavy they were, so in the end he was grateful that Yachi tagged along.

“Geez, why’s this so heavy?”

“It’s five years’ worth of data on all the teams we might be encountering in the prelims, so it’d definitely be really heavy. I also studied what the possible match-ups were and wrote down suggestions on what plays could be used to give Coach Ukai and Yamaguchi an easier time. I’ve never played volleyball myself though and only got into it two years ago, so I’m not entirely sure if these suggestions would even work at all...”

Tsukishima flipped through his copy of the files. A good number of the ideas Yachi had were definitely worth keeping in mind. It was really impressive how much thought was put into all this, and much more that it came from someone who’s only been involved with volleyball since her first year.

“Mitsumi and I studied very thoroughly and had to search far for all this stuff, it was kind of exhausting.”

_Just “kind of” exhausting?_

“I enjoyed it, though! It reminded me of when Kiyoko-san and I gathered data together for the prelims when I was still a first-year. I feel like I did a good job.”

She really did. Tsukishima almost felt like smiling. Feelings aside, he was proud of her.

“You did. This is incredible, Yachi.”

“Tsukki, thank you.”

“Shouldn’t I be the one thanking you for helping me out?”

“No, not this. Just... for everything you’ve done for Yamaguchi and I.”

Ah.

Tsukishima’s day had been going pretty fine. In fact, it was pretty fucking fantastic relative to every other school day he sat through since Yamaguchi and Yachi got together. In fact, he even considered the possibility that maybe his feelings for Yamaguchi have been watered down, maybe they faded a little. Suddenly, the surprisingly heavy files he carried in his arms got heavier and so did his heart. If all this wasn’t enough, he registered the fact that Yachi called him “Tsukki” pretty late and it made everything feel even heavier.

“It’s no problem.” He said, forcing a smile.

“You’ve just been so supportive of us.” _Was_ he? “You’re like, our #1 supporter and one of my best friends, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Ah…! I, ah, I’m sorry if you aren’t comfortable with me calling you one of my best friends! I didn’t mean to make things awkward or anything.”

Above all else, Tsukishima was happy that Yachi thought of him like that. He was glad that she felt that way about him. That she didn’t hate him even though she knew about what happened in their first year. That she considers him one of her best friends, because she was such a saint. She’s a hardworking girl who cares so much about volleyball despite going in knowing next to nothing about it. Yachi was an incredible person, and above all else, Tsukishima was happy that she was Yamaguchi’s girlfriend. He knew how happy she made him.

This happiness, Tsukishima insists, stands above all else. Tsukishima couldn’t handle “all else.” Tsukishima couldn’t handle the overwhelming envy that filled his heart to the brim whenever he saw them together. He could never face the nauseating feeling in his stomach when he walked into Yachi planting kisses on the strawberry fields on Yamaguchi’s cheeks. He was afraid to confront “all else,” and his dreams allow him not to.

But that’s all they are: dreams

Yachi’s face had a bit of panic on it. Tsukishima hasn't responded to what she said yet and it’s been about five seconds. She wasn’t looking at him, so he knew that she couldn’t see his empty eyes.

“No, Yachi, it’s more than okay. I’m glad you think of me as one of your best friends,” he told her. That was the most sincere thing he’d said or done that week, yet it somehow didn’t feel real in the slightest.

The twisting feeling in his stomach, again, didn’t affect the rest of his day.

He still participated in class like any other day, still did well during practice like any other day, still walked home with Yamaguchi like any other day.

“I’m turning here,” he said. He always said that. Tsukishima knew that he would, in fact, turn there, but he never got tired of hearing his voice.

Tsukishima came home with his heart twisted in every direction and he fell asleep.

* * *

He woke up to Yamaguchi sitting on the foot of his bed. He wore his glasses and saw him more clearly. His hair was badly cut; it looked like he took a pair of scissors and straight-up cut into it and never bothered to fix it. There was barely any nail polish left on his nails. Yamaguchi looked like a mess, but he still had the same smile that made Tsukishima’s heart do cartwheels. Yamaguchi cupped Tsukishima’s face in his rough hands and ran his hand through his hair. Tsukishima put his hands on Yamaguchi’s face too, putting his thumb over the freckles scattered on his cheeks. He was in love with him, and Yamaguchi felt the same.

Yamaguchi leaned in and Tsukishima did, too, neither of them really worried about his morning breath. It felt exceptionally sweet today and had a different kind of warmth in it than every other time they kissed. It felt familiar, but it was different. It was like when you see someone for the first time in years and you recognize them, but they had a whole other air surrounding them. It was surrounded by an alien feeling, and while it wasn’t necessarily bad, it was a _change_ that Tsukishima wasn’t used to. He pondered what could have possibly made it feel different, but he set the thought aside and focused on Yamaguchi.

His hands felt amazing in his hair. The feeling of his face against his and being so close to it that he could feel his breath. How his glasses got a little in the way but that was a part of the charm. All these elements combined, and it was a genuine Tsukishima-Yamaguchi kiss. Little did he know, it was going to be the last.

When Yamaguchi pulled away, Tsukishima had forgotten everything and they stood at the corner where they would separate on their way home.

“I’m turning he—”

“Yamaguchi, I have feelings for you.”

Wait. This wasn’t a dream.

Yamaguchi’s bangs were longer; they almost reached the middle of his eyebrows. His hair was also long, but not long enough to be tied into a ponytail. Tsukishima noticed that his own frames were different, too. They weren’t the half-rimmed ones that he’d been wearing all year. He also didn’t have his bangs yet, and his hair was just a little shorter and neater.

They were in their first year, and Tsukishima knew exactly what was going to happen.

“Pfft— should I be laughing now? You’re not usually one to crack a joke, Tsukki!”

This felt too familiar. The way his words were like a dagger to his heart. The way Tsukishima’s face fell and he didn’t hide that well enough. The way Tsukishima said, “Hah. Y-yeah,” as if his facial expression wasn’t enough for Yamaguchi to tell that he wasn’t kidding. Why was this all happening even if he knew how this went down?

“Oh… Oh my god, I’m so sorry, Tsukki,” Yamaguchi apologized and actually had something to apologize for— a rarity in their friendship. The tone of his voice changed drastically.

“No, no,” Tsukishima reassured him. He made sure to shut his heart tight so that none of the pain he was feeling would leak out. He hated himself because that shouldn’t have even been necessary anymore. He’s _been through_ this. Why did it still hurt so much?

“I’m so sorry, Tsukki, I just— I just don’t see you that way,” Yamaguchi said, panicked, overcompensating for his initial reaction.

“I know, it’s okay.”

“Yeah, I won’t let this affect our friendship, I really don’t mind! I’m really glad and flattered that someone thinks of me that way, and even more glad that that somebody is you of all people, it’s just— I just… I just don’t—” Yamaguchi was exasperatedly trying to let Tsukishima down easy. He appreciated his efforts, but Tsukishima knew that it was near impossible for _Yamaguchi_ to “let him down easy.”

“I get it. Let’s talk about something else.”

“Sorry, Tsu—”

“So, we have to put up some posters for the club tomorrow, right? Fundraising and stuff?” Tsukishima cut him off. He knew that Yamaguchi wouldn’t just drop the topic even if Tsukishima asked him to, so he forced it.

“Right… and you... remember the places you’re assigned to?” He asked, drawing the question out in hesitation.

“Yeah.”

They stood there for a few seconds, awkwardly avoiding eye contact. The tension between them was suffocating

“Well, I— I’m turning here.”

“Of course.”

* * *

It was five in the morning when Tsukishima woke up in a cold sweat.

Tsukishima woke up and couldn’t move. His body was stiff, his vision was blurry, his bed was disheveled. While the sun hadn't risen yet and it was still dark outside, he stared at the glow-in-the-dark star stickers he and Yamaguchi stuck on his ceiling when they were 10. Without his glasses they just looked like incomprehensible blobs.

He made sure to take them off later.

**Author's Note:**

> Check my [twitter](https://twitter.com/yarnagucci) out for more of [my Tsukkiyama Week 2020 submissions](https://twitter.com/i/events/1297329144473071619?s=20)!


End file.
